I still don’t know what happened

I still don’t know what happenedI did cheat on my boyfriend and I honestly still don’t know how I could do it or what I should do now. For now I can’t tell him or anybody else, I know I just can’t.  I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years and before that we were talking for about a year. I met him in high school and I truly love him with all of my heart. I want to be with him and love him and share everything with him but right now I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell him because I know him and I know this would break his heart and there is no way he’d forgive me. I know how much he loves me and I love him back even more. It’s been a few weeks and I don’t know what to do so I thought I’d just put it out there just to try and see if anything good comes from that. A month ago I went to a friend’s birthday party. Me, my friend Megyn (not real name) and her boyfriend went there together. My boyfriend was supposed to come too but ended up staying at work and he told me he’d get there later in the night which was fine since I knew most people at the party. I didn’t plan for this to happen, I’ve never cheated before and I am so much against it. I don’t know how I allowed this to happen. At the party people were having fun, I was having something to drink and everything was fine. My boyfriend called me and told me he’d be there at midnight and that sounded fine to me. Like I said I knew most of the people and I was having fun and so was Megyn and her boyfriend. I probably was drinking a little bit more than I should have. To make a long story short a couple of guys started bilecik escort talking to me. I didn’t know them, later I found out they were neighbours and were invited to the party. They were both really nice and made me laugh with their stupid jokes. In no way did I think about doing anything more with any of them than just talk and laugh and honestly I was thinking they were thinking the same, they didn’t seem to flirt too much or anything and I really felt that I was in total control, I was having fun laughing and talking and enjoying myself at this birthday party while waiting for my boyfriend who texted me at least every 20-25 minutes. Like I said these guys weren’t flirting too much, they seemed totally relaxed and I was enjoying the conversation. We’d been talking and laughing probably for almost an hour when one of them asked if we should get some fresh air and I thought well okay I guess that’s fine, music was really high and a lot of people were smoking and I honestly thought nothing wrong with a little fresh air and I remember I smiled to Megyn and told her, be right back I’ll just get some air, and she smiled and the three of us left and when we got out of the room one of them said hey there is a balcony in that room and pointed at a door and he went straight over, opened the door, looked in, looked back at me, smiled and said, yeah nobody’s here, come on. The three of us went in, it was a large room, at the end of it there was a door and a little balcony, and yes it was nice standing there getting some fresh air. One of the guys said he’d go escort bilecik get a couple of beers and come back, asked me if I wanted anything, I said I was fine that I’d had enough, and when he left my boyfriend called me while I was standing with the other guy at the balcony, I picked up the phone, he asked me if everything was fine, I said yes, he said he’d be there in an hour, and I said allright, see you soon, love you. In that moment that other guy, let’s call him Steve said lucky boyfriend. I smiled and said nothing, then he said he thought I was the most pretty girl at the party and he said it in a really nice way, normally I would think that was so stupid but like I said he said it the right way. Then he asked if my boyfriend was coming over, and I said yes he’ll be here in an hour and I really don’t know why but I added do you want to meet him and started laughing. He laughed too and then he said yes why not and we both laughed. Without going into details he then looked at me in a really nice way and said one kiss before your boyfriend gets here? I said you know I can’t do that and even though I was for the last 2-3 minutes beginning to feel where this was going until this moment I felt 100% in control and I had absolutely no intention of doing anything other than talk and laugh. It was in this moment and after I said no that I couldn’t do it that he still kissed me very softly and I got this wonderful feeling all over my body. He stopped kissing me for a second then kissed me again and my body was just full of this wonderful feeling I don’t even bilecik escort bayan know how to describe it. Long story short it happened: we kissed, next thing I was on my back on the bed, skirt came up, he moved my thong to the side and ate me out for like 30 seconds and I had this crazy orgasm. It was wonderful and I was trying to be quite. The door I said, is it locked? He said there was no lock on it, that we were okay, and he put his dick in my vagina without condom and started fucking me. To be honest it was the most crazy experience Ive ever had. He fucked me harder and I grabbed his ass and pulled him into me, he put all his fingers in my mouth and I don’t even know. He was kind and rough at the same time, slapping me in the face and even spitting on my face, I had never had that done to me ever, I think it was the way it all happened, it felt so good in the moment. It all took 10 maybe 15 minutes and we were back with all the others, music was loud and we met his friend. Steve asked, hey where is my beer and he said he was on the phone but was about to get them and just like that we were reintegrated back in no time and nobody had noticed anything. My mind was going crazy with a billion different thoughts. Steve acted like a total gentleman for the next hour and when my boyfriend came I told him I was tired and wanted to leave. We don’t live together, I’m living with my mom. My plan was to “survive” the night and then find out what to do. Megyn or anybody else haven’t really noticed anything, nobody has said anything. That’s the good thing. The bad thing is how horrible I feel. Really, really horrible. I’m so sorry and I feel like I’ve betrayed my boyfriend. I know how he is, I love him and this thing that happened would destroy everything. Now it’s out there. I don’t know what to do.