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My head felt like it was spinning as I made my way to the bar. That kiss with Matt had been, without a doubt, the single most erotic moment in my entire life to date; better than every girl I’d ever slept with. The feeling of his firm body pressed against me, all muscle and power, was entirely different from the soft curves I was more used to. The uncomfortable pressure in my jeans told me beyond any shadow of a doubt that my body had no real objections to the sensation either. All I could think about was the firmness of the kiss, how easily Matt had taken casual control over the experience, how much I’d loved the feeling of being kissed by another man.
When I finally made it to the bar, I saw Matt in the queue with his girlfriend, Kerryn. I was about to head to the other end and avoid the two of them until I could get my thoughts in order but Matt saw me, grinned sheepishly, and waved me over. There was no way I could resist that smile and it’d be weird if I avoided him, so I picked my way through the crowd and joined the two of them.
“Hey! Mad night man,” he shouted over the thudding music, “Kerryn and I were saying we’re probably gonna head off soon, Nathan’s been pissing her off.”
My heart froze for a moment, had Kerryn seen what had just happened? I managed to force a laugh out, and replied, “Heh, yeah man Nathan can be a bit of a dick sometimes, why, what’s he been doing?”
“Oh, the usual, leering over her friends. It makes them uncomfortable.”
I relaxed slightly, my hands which had unconsciously bunched up into fists unclenching. He hadn’t told her and it sounded like she hadn’t seen either. I felt a sudden thump on my back as Nathan jumped into the group, his face plastered with a shit eating grin. We usually got on pretty well, but Nathan was a gossip and the look on my face told me he’d be sticking his oar in and messing things up.
“Soooo,” he said, “how you two love birds doing?”
Kerryn blushed, “aww, not too bad thanks for asking!”
He winked at Matt, “I wasn’t exactly talking about you and Matt, Kerryn…” his voice trailed off meaningfully as he cocked an eyebrow at me.
She looked confused, “Huh? What are you talking about?”
“Did you not see your boyfriend making out with Jake on the dancefloor Kerryn? They were really going for it too!”
I’d never hated someone as much as I hated Nathan at that moment.
It seemed Matt had similar thoughts on the matter. Scowling at Nathan, he tousled his hair casually and then draped an arm around Kerryn’s shoulders, “Just a bit of fun babe, Nathan here thought it’d be funny to dare us to play gay chicken, just turned out neither of us lost”
I couldn’t help but feel a little deflated. I’m not sure what other reaction I’d expect Matt to have in the circumstances, but he was certainly convincing in his dismissal of the kiss as nothing important. My eyes were glued to his face, searching for any sign that he was in any way affected by what had happened, concern, affection, anything. But all I could see was a rueful grin on his face as he steered the conversation away from the topic of the kiss. It was artfully done really, a quick mention of some attractive girl on the dancefloor was all it took to make Nathan start babbling on about all the people he had been chatting up all night. I took a kind of sadistic pleasure in pointing out that he’d been pretty miserably unsuccessful.
A few shots later I was feeling pepped again. Matt and Kerryn made their excuses and headed for the door, leaving me stuck with Nathan and the other guys. I actually managed to supress most of my confusion for a good couple of hours, dancing mindlessly with the group and doing my best not to think at all. As the alcohol made its way through my system my focus became fuzzier and fuzzier and the next thing I knew I was grinding against some girl. My hands grabbed her waist and span her around, filled with a sudden burning need to reassert my masculinity in some way in front of my friends. Pulling her close, I felt her wrap her arms around my back as I leant in for a kiss.
Her lips were soft, pliable, and yielded easily before my tongue. But I felt no spark. There was no thrill, no rush of excitement. There was nothing bad about the kiss, it was just completely underwhelming and my brain couldn’t help but make comparisons. Her curves were nice, but they weren’t firm or powerful. Her lips were soft, but they didn’t make me give in to them. Her grip was warm, but it didn’t make me feel complete and safe. When the kiss finished I sighed, and excused myself saying I needed the bathroom.
Instead I decided to bail on the whole thing, wrestling my way through the crowd to the door without stopping to tell the others I was going. I needed the air, I needed the room to breathe, to think.
“Am I gay now?” I mumbled to myself as I wandered up the road home, “I mean, I’ve enjoyed sex with women before. But that kiss…”
The turmoil in my thoughts kept me occupied so much that I barely noticed the walk home, stumbling into my room and slamming the door shut. I stripped gaziantep escort off, grabbed my laptop, and jumped into bed. Usually my next step when I got into bed would be to put some shitty porn on and jerk myself off until I felt tired enough to fall asleep. Tonight as I browsed to my favourite porn site, I watched my cursor stray over to the gay tab, clicking on the first video that I saw. The scene was oddly touching, two ripped guys wandering down the beach hand in hand, before starting to make out.
The actual sex scene was pretty hot, and my dick responded to it quickly, getting hard in seconds. The top started by stripping slowly, then he took the other guy in his mouth, starting slow but building speed quickly. I was amazed at how deeply he could take it, how eager he seemed to be. As he was sucking him, he worked first one finger into the bottom’s hole, then another, then another. The look on the bottom’s face was one of pain intermingled with absolute ecstatic pleasure. I couldn’t help but stroke myself, even tasting my own precum as I leaked at the fiery scene on my scree. Then they got to fucking, it was raw, animalistic. I beat myself in time with the tops powerful thrusts, and a low moan escaped my mouth as I watched the bottom explode in a shuddering orgasm without having once touched himself. I could see the top was getting close, so I sped up, reaching my climax at the same time as he pulled out and shot ropes of cum over the bottom. I was gasping for breath, it was the hottest porn I’d ever seen. Post-orgasm, the usual lethargy set in, combining with the alcohol-tiredness, and I fell asleep in minutes.
The next few days were strange to say the least. The morning after ‘The Kiss’ (as my brain had started to call it, capitals and all) I had tried to find Matt to talk things over, but he was nowhere to be found and he wouldn’t answer any of my texts. It wasn’t entirely unusual, he often went a few days at a time in Kerryn’s bed, the two of them barely surfacing for air let alone communication with the outside world, but it was enough to worry me. I couldn’t help but think that he was deliberately trying to avoid me.
By day three of no contact, I was convinced I was being dodged. Life in halls had taken a downwards turn and I was feeling weirdly lonely. Nathan and the other guys had taken to laughing every time I entered the room, making smooching noises and wrapping their arms around themselves. Consequently, I’d taken to spending most of my time in my room alone, only venturing out for the odd lecture and to grab food from the kitchen.
As I was spending more and more time alone, I was spending more and more time looking at porn. I’d been trawling the gay sections, figuring out what I liked and didn’t like. The whole gay thing was still confusing the hell out of me, but I could hardly deny that I found it arousing. There was something so visceral, so powerful, about two men fucking like animals. But in my head the tops were always Matt, that toned body would be glistening with sweat as he held himself over me, that face would be wearing the grin that lit up the room and those eyes would be boring into my very soul. I had to face it, I had a thing for my best friend.
On the fifth day of no contact, I was coming back into the building from one of the few lectures I’d managed to attend that week when I saw him come out of the stairwell. He saw me, and I saw him wince visibly. Great, I thought, another blow to my dwindling self-esteem.
“Hey,” I mumbled, trying my best to sound disinterested.
He opened his mouth as if he was going to say something but a pained look took over his face, contorting that beautiful mouth into a half grimace, and he shook his head slightly.
“I’ve gotta go,” he grunted, moving past me with purpose, “see ya later.”
I felt crushed. For the last week, some part of me had been clinging on to the distant hope that he hadn’t really been avoiding me, that there was some legitimate reason why I’d been abandoned. I couldn’t really hold on to that hope now. He was clearly upset by what had happened, I must have disgusted him. Pulling myself together I trudged up the stairs, trying to mentally prepare myself for another night of sitting in my room alone. As I reached my floor, I could hear Nathan’s voice through the stairwell door and paused for a second.
“- thinks that Jake’s some kind of queer from the way he reacted to the chicken game, no wonder Kerryn’s being weird with him about it. We should’ve known; Jake always follows Matt around like a puppy, of course he’s gay. Matt says he’s just gonna ignore him for the rest of the year, doesn’t want the gay to wash off on him if you ask me. That shit’s contagious.”
Half of me wanted to cry, half wanted to shout and rage. It wasn’t ME who had initiated the kiss, I hadn’t been the one grabbing my ass, pulling me in closer. It hadn’t been ME who’d pushed his tongue into my mouth. And yet somehow Matt was getting away with no ramifications, fucking beautiful gorgeous Matt was the one everybody loved, and I was just the random guy who was clearly some kind of gay pervert, a disease to be avoided.
I pushed my way through the stairwell door, ignoring the slight gasp from Nathan as he clapped his mouth shut. Pretending not to have heard anything I strolled through down the corridor and into my room, forcing myself to walk in a slow measured pace rather than running to be out of their burning stares.
Once in my room, I collapsed onto my bed, fighting back tears. My thoughts were beginning to spiral and get away from me, so I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down. Right in that moment I needed someone, anyone, to hold me and make me feel like more than nothing. Hands shaking, I grabbed my phone and quickly downloaded a gay dating app. It took minutes to set up a profile, and my heart was pounding the whole time. This was it. If I created this account, I’d be admitting to myself that I was at least a little bit gay. I’d be admitting that Nathan wasn’t wrong, that I was ‘kind of queer’. The empty feeling in the pit of my stomach drove me forwards though, anything to feel just a tiny bit wanted. I clicked submit.
It took just a few minutes for the first person to message me. I looked, just a picture of his dick and a simple “u wanna suck?”. I shuddered, thankful that my self-esteem hadn’t vanished entirely, blocking him.
The next message was more appealing, “Hey, cute profile, I’m Dave btw, wanna meet up sometime?”
We exchanged banal messages for about an hour before I got, “my place is free if you wanna meet up tonight? No pressure on you to do anything, we can just chill if you want”
My heart was pounding again. Was I really about to go to some stranger’s house in the middle of the night? Could I be that adventurous? Nathan’s words flooded into my brain again, and suddenly all I could hear was the sneering tone he used when he said my name, and the way that Matt had just brushed past me with barely a word in the corridor. I needed not to be alone, and if this guy wanted me, I’d go.
“Sure, you close by?”
He sent me his address and I looked, it was only a couple of minutes’ walk away. Not only that, it was a University Halls address, showing that Dave was a student like me. At least that ruled out the chance of him being somebody pretending to be much younger than he was.
The next thing I knew, I was out the door, I’d grabbed my jacket and just left the flat, taking care to be quiet and not wake the others on my floor. The night air was crisp and sobering and by the time I was at the entrance to this guy’s building I was having some serious doubts about this whole endeavour. I’d half convinced myself to turn around and go home when the door opened.
Stood in the doorframe was a picture of perfection; just slightly shorter than me, Dave had scruffy brown hair and short stubble giving him a bit of a grizzled look. He was dressed casually in loose slacks and a tight shirt that outlined his muscles. His eyes were a soft grey and were boring into mine.
“Hey,” he smiled, “how ’bout you come in?”
I paused for a moment, completely unsure of what I was going do. I looked into those eyes again, saw the soft concern there, and made up my mind.
“Uh… sure yeah.”
A smile spread across his face and he stepped aside, beckoning me in. I followed him down the corridor and he paused for a second,
“I hope you don’t mind, my flatmates are in the living room, I’ll fix us a couple of drinks then we can hang in my room? Don’t feel like I’m pressuring you into anything though.”
“Uh… sure yeah,” I replied. I cursed internally, was that all I could say? I was hardly being the picture of witty charm.
He showed me into his room and I sat on his chair, waiting a little awkwardly. What was I doing here? This wasn’t me, I didn’t do this kind of thing. I stood up, resolving that I’d go home and be done with the whole night. Just then, Dave opened the door, stepping in with a couple of glasses in his hands. Seeing that I was stood up, his face slumped, crestfallen.
“Oh,” he said, “sure.”
My heart ached at that look, it was so open and uncomplicated. His face seemed to show his every emotion without being guarded at all.
“No, no, I was just stretching my legs,” I said hastily, “being nosey more than anything, looking at your stuff.” I forced a laugh.
His eyes brightened quickly, and he handed me the glass. Taking a sip out of his own, he said, “So, what do you study?”
“Medicine,” he replied, “you know, a serious subject.”
I grinned, throwing him a mock punch in the arm, “the way I see it, your subject is just a tiny subsection of mine,” I retorted, “you only deal with one species, I deal with all of them.”
He smiled, “Yeah, sure, and the next time I see someone having a heart attack, I’ll point them your way, right? I think not.”
He chuckled, and we spent the next half an hour just chatting. He told me some of the funnier things he’d seen when he was studying on the wards, the number of people who came into Accident and Emergency with stupid injuries and comical lies to try and cover how they’d acquired them. I felt myself relaxing, Dave had a kind of relaxed charisma to him and managed to come across as both charming and confident. As we chatted I studied his face in greater detail, it didn’t thrill me in the way that Matt’s did, but nor did I get that anxious knot in my stomach when I looked at him. His eyes were his most intriguing feature, grey is normally such a boring colour, but on him they seemed to change like the clouds; suddenly soft and gentle, next hard like flint, flashing with passion. Finally, the conversation turned to me,
“So, you said you’ve never done anything with a guy?”
“Yeah, I mean, no. Up until recently, I didn’t even know I liked guys at all really. It’s been something of a learning experience.”
He looked at me, concern clear in his eyes, “Hey, what’s up? Your whole body just tensed up, it’s like you just locked down on me there.”
“It’s nothing, I’ve got some shitty flatmates is all.”
“Then they’re stupid, you have nothing to be ashamed of.”
He pulled me onto the bed with him, hugging me gently, “we don’t have to do anything tonight, but why don’t we put on a movie? I get the feeling you need some chill time.”
He grabbed his laptop and found some shitty rom-com to put on and for the next hour we just lay there, curled up together on his bed laughing mindlessly at the terrible humour. It felt so natural to have a guy in the bed with me, and Dave began to gently massage my shoulders. The tension left me, and I began to feel weirdly content with the whole idea of having a guy. I twisted round in the bed and faced him, ignoring the movie in the background. I stared into his eyes and pressed my lips against his.
This kiss wasn’t the fiery passion that I’d had when Matt kissed me. It was slow, deep, passionate. His lips moved slowly and purposefully against mine. After a few seconds, his lips parted mine slightly and his tongue ventured into my mouth. I opened wider, inviting him in. His tongue roamed around my mouth and the heat of the kiss built as he sped up. My hands fumbled along his shirt grasping for purchase before breaking the kiss long enough to slip it over his head. He grinned at me, grabbing mine and pulling it off before returning to the kiss with renewed power and speed. I was melting before this guy, he was confident and capable, his hands roaming up my chest, finding my nipples and working them lightly with his hands. I’d never had someone play with me in this way, it was like electric sparks flying through me, driving me wild, and a low moan escaped.
He pulled away for a second, looked me dead in the eyes, and murmured, “I want to fuck you so bad, but we’re not doing that tonight, I’m not putting that kind of pressure on to you”
He interrupted my mumbled protestations, “No, not tonight, we can do that a different day, but I’m not strong enough to deny myself a little taste of the action.”
He grinned wolfishly, as he quickly undid my belt, undoing my buttons and pulling my jeans and boxers clear. I was suddenly acutely aware that I was entirely naked in a guy’s bedroom, and that he still had his slacks on. He had me at something of a disadvantage.
He took my cock in his hand, lightly stroking it up and down, his thumb massaging the copious precum over my head before lifting it to his mouth, taking a provocative lick. “Mmmm,” he moaned, “you taste so good.”
I was harder than I’d ever been before and my breath was coming in little gasps as he lowered his head to my groin. He licked up the length of my cock, not breaking eye contact, focussing to play with my frenulum where it met with my head, driving me wild. Then in one fell swoop, he took my entire length into his mouth. The heat of his throat was such that I nearly shot my load right then and there, but he put one hand on my balls and lightly played with them, delaying my orgasm but bringing new sensations into play. His head began to bob up and down, his tongue working me fast, playing with all those places that girls always seemed to ignore. He lightly tongued the slit before diving back down taking me all the way into his throat.
Dave pulled off my cock for one moment, his hand moving to keep jerking me as he reached up to give me a passionate kiss. I could taste myself on his lips, the slight saltiness of my precum. Then suddenly he dove back down, taking each of my balls into his mouth in turn and sucking gently on them. I was gasping with the heat of it all, and when he took my cock back into his mouth again I was close to climaxing.
“I’m- I’m gonna cum,” I groaned, barely able to get the words out.
He merely sped up, his tongue working even faster over me, driving me ever closer to that precipitous edge. Finally, I couldn’t hold it back any longer, I groaned as I started to cum, the first shots burying themselves deep in his throat. He pulled back slightly, jacking my shaft to milk the last drops into his mouth so he could taste them. Dave looked me dead in the eyes, kissing me again and passing me my own cum into my mouth. It was a weird taste, salty, but also kind of sweet. I swallowed, and kissed him deeper.
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