Jerry’s Heart Pt. 04

Blonde

Five days. In five days Randy would be dead.

That was the first thought in Jerry’s head when he opened his eyes that morning. It came with a consuming heaviness that would follow him throughout his day and get heavier as the days went on. Randy had demanded that they bring him home from the hospital and they agreed, hoping it would prolong his life. But in the end, they only had five more days together.

Jerry sighed audibly. He reminded himself to breathe in and breathe out, preparing himself for the next five days. He got out of bed and grabbed his phone on his way to the bathroom. Marshall had already sent him a text.

Marshall: Hey you. Beautiful, beautiful you. Grateful to spend all my free moments with you. Hope your day is great. See you tonight.

Jerry was dueling with two intense emotions, love for Marshall who was always around and sadness for not having Randy around anymore. Familiar with these feelings, he pushed past the sadness to focus on Marshall.

Jerry: Good morning Green Eyes. My day is already great because you’re in my life. See you tonight.

He put his phone on the counter and stripped his clothes off to jump in the shower. He wanted his thoughts to be consumed with Marshall but instead they were of he and Randy making love right in this same shower. He closed his eyes and remembered that morning:

Randy was in the shower first and he joined him. Randy bent over and him thrusting from behind. He came and stayed inside until Randy jerked himself to ejaculation. They kissed and laughed. Randy showered again and left the shower first. Jerry showered, thinking about how good they were. He wrapped a towel around his waist and called out Randy’s name to ask about picking up dinner on his way home from work. Randy didn’t answer.

Jerry thought he might have gone downstairs. He opened the bathroom door and Randy lying on the floor of the bedroom, unconscious. Jerry ran to him, tried to revive him, screaming his name, then screaming for Jo who came to the house last night after a fight with Micah. Randy opened his eyes to slits. “I’m fine,” he said woozily. Jerry and Jo looked at each other in fear. Jo grabbed his phone and called for an ambulance. It was the beginning of the end.

Jerry opened his eyes and stood directly underneath the shower head, the tears on his face getting mixed in with the cascading water.

* * * * *

“Who wants to start?” Cody asked.

“Is it okay if I start tonight, everyone?” Jerry asked before anyone else spoke. “I’m about to hit a milestone and I just need to get it all out.”

Marshall, who was sitting next to him, was anticipating Jerry would speak today. He knew the anniversary of Randall’s death was coming up but they hadn’t talked about it. Hopefully whatever Jerry said tonight would guide him on how to help Jerry through it, the way Jerry helped him.

Jerry began to talk. “My first thought when I woke up this morning was: In five days Randy will be dead. I’ve had this thought every year for the last nine years and this year is no different. I thought things would be different, that I was different because of everything going on in my life, that I wouldn’t still have this heaviness in my heart ten years later. But I do. Randy’s death day is still so…triggering.”

He looked down and took a couple of breaths and looked back up. “I tell all of you that grief is a process. You go through the stages, you come out on the other side in acceptance, then something will trigger you and you’ll feel like you’re starting over, dealing with the pain and anger and sadness all over again. It fucking sucks.

“I want to be past it. I want to be able to look each of you in the eye and tell you that one day you’ll pass the anniversary of their death and it won’t feel like your heart is being ripped out all over again. But I can’t tell you that. All I can advise you to do is surround yourself with people you love and that love you. It’s the most healing thing you can do for yourself to get past the pain. Until the next time.”

Jerry looked around at each of them, landing on Marshall’s face last. Marshall gave him a small smile which he returned but quickly looked away. Marshall wanted to reach out and touch him. The core members of the group all know that they are seeing each other: Jacob, Mark, Kimberly, Louise and now Rachel. But they don’t put it on display during group time, to ensure the focus stays on everyone else and not them. But Marshall for once wanted to. He wanted to wrap Jerry up in his arms like he did for him on Brenden’s death day.

“Thank you, Jerry,” said Cody. “I want you to know a couple of things. One, your experience is invaluable to us, to me personally. It’s your experience that gives you the insight to help us get through these hard days, these hard moments. And two, no one expects you to have it all together. In fact we’re okay with you falling apart, because when we fall apart, we know it’s part of the process. You have permission almanbahis from every single person in this room to fall the fuck apart. We’ll be here to pick you back up. Just like you have done several times for each and every one of us.”

Jerry looked around at the nodding faces and smiled at Cody, reached over and gave him a hug. They hugged tightly, then Jerry leaned back. Rachel started talking about how she coped through her first year anniversary of her husband and daughter’s car accident when Marshall reached over and touched his shoulder. Jerry recoiled and moved his shoulder forward so that his hand dropped off. Marshall was hurt by his action, but let it go.

After the group ended, Cody approached Jerry. “Hey, Jacob and I are thinking of bailing on dinner tonight so you and Marshall can have some alone time.”

Cody and Jacob sometimes opt not to have dinner with them, but Jerry needed the distraction. “No, don’t do that,” he said quickly. “I just need to be around a lot of people right now, so I don’t have to think about my feelings.”

Cody looked at him intently and asked, “Feelings about Randall? Or feelings for Marshall?”

Jerry was grateful that he didn’t have to answer because Marshall and Jacob came over. “Cody and Jacob made plans-“

“I invited them again,” Jerry cut him off. “I just want to have dinner with everyone tonight. Okay?”

“Yeah, sure. Whatever you need,” Marshall said. He hesitated to touch him again.

At dinner Jerry pretended to be engaged but he was mostly quiet, letting everyone else carry the conversation. Marshall could feel the distance between them, even though they were sitting next to each other. Afterwards everyone went back to their cars but Marshall grabbed Jerry’s arm in the parking lot.

“Hey you,” he said gently.

“Hey. You.” Jerry replied hesitantly.

He let a moment pass then his hands started moving as he said, “So I’m just gonna say it. I feel the distance from you, and I get it. Trust me I do. I can’t say I know exactly what you’re going through, but I can say I’m here for you if you want to talk. Or not. Either way I’m here for you.”

Jerry nodded. “Thanks.”

Marshall hesitated again but then pulled him close, putting his head on Jerry’s shoulder. Jerry held him back and closed his eyes. He desperately wanted to be in the moment with Marshall but Randy’s face popped in his head. His big brown eyes and mop of kinky brown hair. His soft skin the color of a creamed mocha latte. How soft his lips were. His eyes snapped open in guilt and he let go first, breaking the connection with Marshall.

“I have to go,” he said quietly. He leaned over and gave Marshall a chaste kiss. “I’ll call you tomorrow.” He didn’t wait for a response before he got into the car, Randy’s Toyota Highlander, and drove off, leaving Marshall standing there confused.

* * * * *

Day four. In four days, Randy would be dead.

Jerry dreamed about the day he came home. “I’m tired, Jer,” he told him in the medical transport on the way to the house. “I’m so tired.”

“You don’t have any more unfinished business, Rand. Don’t fight it. Don’t prolong the pain.”

“Already tired of me?” he said amusingly. “Just say you’re tired of taking care of me.”

He sighed. “That’s not what I-“

“Don’t worry, soon I won’t be a burden on you anymore.”

“You’re not a burden. I love you. I’ll do anything for you. If we didn’t have Ollie I’d probably follow you to the grave. That’s how much I love you. I’ll never love anyone on this earth as much as I love you.”

Randy smiled. “Promise?”

Jerry smiled back. “Promise.”

Marshall’s voice filtered in his head. “I do love you.”

Jerry woke up with a gasp. He sat up in his bed and put his hand over his face, rubbing it roughly. His phone dinged as if on cue.

Marshall: Morning, Green Eyes. Can’t say Good morning. A Good morning would be me waking up in your arms. So for now, it’s just…morning.

“Hmmm…” he groaned out loud. His heart was with Marshall, but his brain wouldn’t cooperate. His brain was screaming at him that he was betraying Randall by being in love with someone else.

Jerry: Morning, Beautiful. Same. Have a great day.

He got out of bed and took a quick shower, then woke up the kids for the day.

* * * * *

Day three. In three days, Randy would be dead.

Jerry walked around the hospital that Friday until he ended up at room 405. It was unoccupied. He leaned on the doorframe and sighed, thinking of the three weeks Randall spent in this room. He saw it:

Randall holding Ollie in his arms putting him to sleep…. Randall trying to convince Jerry to give him a blow job almost every morning. Sometimes Jerry gave in….. Randall sleeping and Jerry watching him, touching his hair, face and skin…. Randall arguing with Jo, then arguing with Micah, trying to repair their relationship.

“You’re gonna help me, right Jer?” he asked. “Because you and I both almanbahis giriş know they need to be together. Help me put them back together.”

He sighed again, walked into the room and sat on the bed. He dialed Jo’s number and he answered right away. “Wassup, Jerry?”

“Nothing, man. Just wanted to see how you doing.”

Jo sighed. “Three more days. How do you think I’m doing?” Jerry didn’t answer. Jo kept talking. “Has it really been ten years, Jerry? It feels like it was yesterday we were all in Curacao together.”

Jerry smiled. “Poolside, Beach side. Party every night. He had so much fun on that trip. That was a gift, for real.”

“Randy was a gift. A gift to all of us.”

“That he was.”

“Are you keeping busy today?” Jo asked.

“Well I was working, until I ended up in room 405.”

Jo scoffed. “Why are you even at work? Go find Marshall.”

“Marshall and the kids will be by tonight for dinner,” Jerry said dismissively. “How are you keeping busy?”

“Micah and I are putting in overtime at the cafe all weekend, or we’d be there right now. The grand opening is next weekend. You’re coming, right?”

“Oh yeah, that’s right. Yeah, we’ll definitely be there, at Micah Angelo’s Cafe. It’s perfect.”

“Yep. But we’re just going to call it The MAC.”

“It’s still perfect. You guys are perfect together too. You’re still good, right, you and Micah?”

“Yeah, we’re great. I’ve never been happier.”

“Good. I’m happy for you guys. You really are living the dream.”

“I thank Randy every day,” said Jo. “I wouldn’t have moved back to Pennsylvania if he wasn’t sick and I would have never met Micah. And if I haven’t said before, thank you too, Jerry. If it wasn’t for you and him, we wouldn’t have stayed together after the incident. So I always think to myself, Randy brought us together and Randy kept us together.”

“Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

“Hey, Jer?”

“Hmm?”

“Make sure you lean on someone this weekend. Let Marshall be there for you.”

“Listen, I gotta go,” Jerry said avoidantly. “I’ll call you Sunday.”

“Jerod-“

“I’m good, I’ll call you later.” He hung up before Jo said another word. He sighed, then sent Marshall a text.

Jerry: I’m so thankful to have you in my life.

Marshall: And I am thankful for you. You’re okay?

[Jerry wanted to respond “No” and tell him all the thoughts he’s been having in his head.]

Jerry: Fine. See you tonight.

* * * * *

They let Freya and Randall pick the game and it was Charades, making the older boys groan. They wanted to play Gin Rummy like last week instead. The girls picked teams: Jerry, Memphis and Randall on one side, Marshall, Oliver and Freya on the other. Jerry tried to get into the game but his heart wasn’t in it and it frustrated Boogie tremendously that they lost.

Marshall watched Jerry the whole time. He was quieter than normal and when it wasn’t their turn, he would disappear mentally. Marshall also caught him staring at him a few times through his peripheral vision, but when he turned to him, Jerry would quickly look away. Marshall knew Jerry needed patience from him and was willing to give it, for however long he needed it.

After losing four out of five rounds and seeing his son’s face, Marshall said, “Okay guys, let’s pack it up. Daddy has to work in the morning.”

“But can’t we staaaaay?” Freya whined.

“Yeah, Dad. Jerry won’t mind, right?” Memphis asked hopefully, looking at the other man.

Marshall couldn’t read the expression on Jerry’s face so he assumed he didn’t want to. “No, we can’t stay tonight. Next weekend maybe, when I’m not working.”

“Let them stay,” Jerry said quietly. Everyone turned to him. “It’s fine, go home, get some rest, go to work in the morning and come back later.”

Marshall thought that was odd. The kids have never spent the night at Jerry’s house without him, and vice versa. But it dawned on him that his kids were welcomed to spend the night, and he wasn’t.

“You sure, Jer? You sure you don’t need to…” He didn’t know how to finish his sentence because he couldn’t pin-point what he needed. He was just sure what he needed was space from him.

“Yeah, of course. What, I can’t handle four kids on my own?” he said with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“I’m just looking out for you, Jerod.”

“Well you don’t have to, Marsh. I’m fine.”

“Jerry-“

“Back the hell off, Marshall. I’m not Brenden,” he raised his voice in anger. “You don’t have to take care of me. I can take care of myself. And I’m perfectly capable of taking care of your children. Unless you think otherwise.”

It was quiet in the living room as the two men stared at each other. Marshall pulled his bottom lip in to keep himself from responding, determined not to let his children see him fight with Jerry. Memphis had seen enough fighting between his parents at a young age.

He slowly released it, clicked his tongue and said quietly, “Okay, almanbahis yeni giriş Jerod.”

He walked over to Memphis who had an alarming look on his face, his blue eyes wide with concern over what just happened. He gave his son a reassuring smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow. You listen to Jerry, okay? Don’t give him a hard time.”

“Yeah. Sure, Dad,” he said softly. He allowed his father to hug him. He turned to Oliver who hugged him first before he could raise his arms. He smiled and ruffled the boy’s kinky brown hair.

Marshall turned to Freya and hugged her too. “Be a good girl, okay Princess?”

“Yes, Daddy, but I’m always a good girl,” she said.

He smiled at her. “That you are.”

Randall hugged him tight. “Bye, Marshall. See you tomorrow. Right?” Her eyes were wide and expectant of an answer.

“Right,” Marshall said automatically. He kissed her forehead. Without looking at Jerry he put on his sweater and walked out the door.

The room was still until Memphis said quietly, “Jerry.” Jerry looked at Marshall’s son. They stared at each other until Boogie shook his head twice. Jerry understood; he fucked up.

Jerry stood up and said, “I’ll be right back.” He left the house and approached Marshall who was already at his car and called his name. “Marshall.”

Marshall turned to look at him, anger etched on his face. He sighed and came closer to him. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-“

“Don’t you ever speak to me like that again in front of our kiddos. My kiddos. I dealt with that condescending tone for long enough and I sure as shit ain’t taking it from you. Because you’re right. You are not Brenden,” he said coldly.

Jerry nodded. “You’re right. And I’m sorry.”

Marshall let a moment pass, then said, “Next time you show me that respect and apologize to me in front of our children. Or there won’t be a next time.”

He turned around and opened his car door to get in but Jerry grabbed his arm. The thought of there not being a next time for anything with Marshall created a ball of fear in the pit of his stomach. “I’ll go back in there and apologize to them too,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I’m not my best self today.”

“I know, and I accept your apology,” Marshall said.

He tried to turn away again but Jerry wrapped his arms around Marshall’s neck and put his chin on his shoulder. Marshall was still upset with the exchange inside but eventually wrapped his arms around his back. He looked over to see four little faces at the living room window, watching them. He sighed, closed his eyes and held Jerry tighter.

“It’s okay. Go inside, they’re waiting for you. I gotta go.” Jerry pulled back and kissed him softly on the lips. Marshall touched his face and looked into his eyes, then returned the kiss on his lips two more times. “Go. Get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Jerry stepped back and Marshall got into the car and drove off. Jerry turned around to see what Marshall saw, all four of the children looking at him through the window with concern. He went back inside and kept his word, apologizing to them for how he spoke to Marshall, admitting it was wrong and he would never do it again.

* * * * *

Day two. In two days, Randy would be dead.

Jerry found himself up before the sun rose that Saturday morning. It was already 77 degrees in late August and it was going to be a hot one. He put on his exercise clothes and went for a jog, pushing thoughts of Randy out of his head. If he dreamed of his dead husband, he didn’t remember it because thoughts of Marshall were filling his head. He ran and tried to clear his head.

Last night was a reality check for him. Marshall’s reaction to his tone showed him that his partner was not one to be pushed over by him. Not that he ever thought so, but the way Marshall described taking Brenden’s mental abuse showed how much he had grown from being that person. It was a good thing, but it also made Jerry realize that he could lose him if he wasn’t careful. Any signs of being in a similar relationship would have Marshall heading far from him.

They had their first fight and it was all Jerry’s fault, so he planned on making sure he spent the day focused on his needs, repairing the cracks he created between them. He decided that when Marshall got off work they would take the drive to Blue Marsh and go swimming for the day, the last weekend before school started next week. When he got back to the house he already had a text.

Marshall: Wakey Wakey Stinky Baby! Make sure my kiddos are still alive when I get there to pick them up.

Jerry: Stinky Baby feels so stinky about last night. Stinky baby needs a bath. At Blue Marsh swimming hole. You’re down?

Marshall: Hell yeah! Stinky Baby is forgiven! Let me try to get out of here an hour earlier, go past the house to get their clothes and swimsuits, and I should be there by 1pm.

Jerry: Can’t wait to see you in those swim trunks again.

Marshall: Down, boy. I can’t be thinking about rubbing your washboard abs with suntan lotion right now. I’ll get nothing done.

Jerry laughed out loud. He showered, changed and went downstairs to make breakfast, excited to tell the kids about the plans for the day.