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I think it was when I was 14 that it began to dawn on me. I pretty much figured it out when I was 16, but I still tried to deny it. It simply couldn’t be. I finally had to just accept it when I was 18. That was when everything fell apart. My life ended June 24th, just after I graduated from high school. Well, that is probably being a bit too dramatic. No, I wasn’t dead, although, it did feel that way for a while. And, in all reality, I was dead to my family. At least, to most of them. Perhaps I should go back and start from the beginning.
My name is Linda O’Malley. My I was born to Jacob and Susan O’Malley three years after my older brother was born. My parents had a small ranch on the central coast of California. No, we weren’t actually on the coastline, but a little bit inland. We raised a small herd of cattle and grew barley that we harvested and sold. Aside from the long bus rides to and from the schools in town, it was a really nice life. Sundays were a really big deal for my family. We would all get dressed up, go to church, and then have a big barbeque with all my aunts, uncles, and cousins. Most of my extended family lived nearby, except for my Aunt Gail. Her dad, who was my grandfathers’ older brother, had moved to Las Vegas after he had gotten married. Aunt Gail still lived there, and had started her own very successful engineering firm. She was really smart and VERY beautiful. It’s sometimes hard to understand how she hadn’t gotten married. She must have had her pick of men, although, I must say that I really didn’t know her very well. I really only saw her at weddings and funerals because she lived so far away. Perhaps I should tell you a little bit about her, as she eventually had a very large role in my life.
Aunt Gail lives in the Las Vegas area. Her father passed away a couple of years ago. Don’t be sad though. He had a nice long life. Unfortunately, heart disease is common in our family. Anyway, Gail is really smart. She went to college and eventually got a PhD in Mechanical Engineering. She is very focused and driven in anything she sets her mind to. That’s probably why she has never gotten married, at least that’s the theory being spouted by all my other aunts, uncles, and even mom and dad. They all refer to her as the Spinster Aunt who is too focused on work to find a husband. I know better now, but, at the time, that was the popular theory. As I said before, I only ever saw her at weddings and funerals, but she was always so nice and full of life. I had to admit, that she was my favorite aunt. She would always go with the family to church when she came out. She would make sure to sit up front with her Bible open and sing enthusiastically to the Hymns. I never saw her drink more than one glass of wine at any event. Although several of the single men attending would the church or at the weddings would attempt to curry her favor, she would politely rebuff their advances. Some of the cattier of my aunts would comment that she really needed to find a man to take care of her, or she would end up old, alone, and die a virgin. It never seemed to bother her though. We all finally just accepted that Aunt Gail just had no interest in sex. Also, it was without question that she followed the Bible’s teaching that premarital sex was a very large sin, and she was intent on remaining as pure as the driven snow. (OK, I’ll pause here while you clean the drink that you just spit all over this screen after reading that.)
June 5th, 2013
“Aunt Gail! O My Gosh! I wasn’t expecting to see you!” I screamed as Aunt Gail walked through the door.
“Like I would miss my favorite Niece’s Sweet Sixteen Birthday party.” She responded as she held out her arms for a hug.
“Oh, Aunt Gail! You say that to all of my cousins!”
“Well, that’s true, but TODAY, you are my favorite, sweetie. Happy Birthday!” as she gave me a hug and a kiss in my cheek.
Aunt Gail was truly beautiful. Actually, I was rather attracted to her in some strange way. It was very surprising that she showed up for my 16th birthday party too. I had no inkling that she would have drove for 8-hours just to be at my party. As far as I could remember, this was the first time that Aunt Gail had ever made a special trip out here for anyone’s birthday. That day was magical. All my friends and family were there. I was finally allowed to date. My parents had forbidden me to date anyone until I was 16. Truthfully, really deep down, I wasn’t very interested in going out on dates. Perhaps I need to go back a little bit more.
I completely enjoyed Linda’s birthday party and catching up with all my relatives. I decided to make this trip for a specific reason. About 6-months ago, I was out for a wedding, and I noticed a very subtle change in Linda. I had turned the weekend into a week long stay so I could catch up with everyone a bit more. I had been over to Linda’s parents house one evening when Linda came in with one of her friends. My gaydar began flashing red, and not at Linda’s friend Jill. No, the longing glances were coming from Linda herself towards her little friend. I saw major trouble nişantaşı escort ahead for a very sweet girl who didn’t have the resources to cope with the firestorm that would eventually happen. I vowed to try and keep an eye on her and help pout where I could.
I did manage to corner her at one point and suggest that if she ever needed anything, I would always be there for her.
It was the last weekend before school started. I had convinced my parents to let me have a sleepover. My four best friends were there, including Jill. She had been my best friend since Kindergarten. She was absolutely gorgeous. We did literally everything together. We were 14, so I’m not going to bother to describe her here. It really isn’t necessary. Joan and Mellissa were just bit players here, although, they were still really good friends at that time.
We did the usual 14-year old girl stuff that happens on a sleepover. No – you perves – not THAT!! What’s wrong with you? We were good Christian girls! Well, we did one thing that night. It was actually very innocent, but it started the ball rolling down the hill that caused my world to end. We were just about to enter the world of High School. Boys had become a topic of discussion in more favorable terms than before. It was late, and my parents and older brother had long since gone to sleep.
“I saw Sam last weekend.” Jill began. “He has changed a lot over the summer. I think he has been working out in order to get on the JV football team.”
“Ohhhh. I wonder if he likes me.” Mel dreamed.
“I’d like to kiss him.” From Joan.
That started the fateful conversation. It eventually devolved into a discussion on kissing. It was naturally just assumed that we were talking about kissing boys, and, in fact we all were. Finally, the question was asked. I don’t remember who actually asked it, but it was thrown out there. “Have any of you kissed a boy yet?”
Spoiler alert! None of us had.
We talked and giggled about that for a little bit, then decided to try practicing on each other. We weren’t experienced enough to know about using our tongues, but it was still really nice. Kissing Joan and Mellissa was nice, but when it came to Jill – WOW! We really didn’t do anything much different than I did with the other two, but, for some reason, it was a lot different. Of course, I didn’t understand why at that point. Finally, we decided that it was time to actually get some sleep, so we put on our jammies and went to bed. I had two twin beds in my room for some reason, so Joan and Mel took one while Jill and I had the other.
I woke up in the morning to a body pressed up against my back and an arm wrapped around me. I can’t describe the feeling of comfort that I felt at that moment. Then, I realized that I was getting butterflies in my stomach and a strange feeling a little lower. I pretended to still be sleeping and wiggled a bit until I had rolled over and was now laying face to face with my arm over Jill. WOW! Her skin on her back was so silky smooth. This just felt so right. Suddenly, I felt her jerk and move away. Quietly, she slid off the bed and crept out the door. Years later, I looked back to that night and realized that was the night when everything started.
Highschool started, and for the next two years I continued hanging out with my friends. I played soccer and was active in FFA (Future Farmers of America for you city folks). I was fairly popular and had my share of attention from the boys. There were a few boys that were very nice, but I was never really attracted to them. Also, my parents wouldn’t actually let me date until I turned 16. Looking back, it seemed that I was always happiest when I was with Jill.
Finally, I turned 16. I got my drivers license and could date. I did go on a few nice dates through my Junior year, but never really felt anything from the guys. No. I never did anything sexual. I was a good Christian girl.
CLARITY – IT CAN’T BE!!
About mid-January, Jill called me crying. I sped over to her house to see what was wrong. As I was holding her while she cried on my shoulder, she told me about how she had seen her long-term boyfriend walking into the movie theater with another girl. I just held her and whispered that it would be OK as she was bawling. I felt so complete there as I held her in my arms. I kept thinking to myself that I’m glad that they broke up, because he was never good enough for her. She needed someone sweet, and kind, and who would never hurt her. Someone like … ME?????
It suddenly hit me! I was in love with my best friend! OH NONONONONO! I can’t be! I’m not a lesbian. Lesbians were sinners. Homosexuality is an afront to God and are to be shunned by all good God-fearing people. I sort of zoned out on Jill as all this was going through my mind. Thankfully, she was too busy in her sorrow to notice. I was able to keep all that inside, and she eventually cried herself out.
Well, Jill got over her first ‘true love’ and move on. I also tried to move on. Desperate to prove to myself that I was normal, I began to get a little less picky şişli escort about the dates I accepted. I went out with several different guys over the next year and a half. I even started to go a little farther than before. I would allow some heavy petting, hands under my shirt, and the occasional hand-job. Never any penetration, and I kept my panties on and never allowed hands to roam underneath. I got pretty good at faking my interest, but, truthfully, I was usually just putting up with it because that was what I was supposed to be doing. On the plus side, I did get some pretty good dinners and saw a lot of movies, but just endured the rest of it.
No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get myself to be attracted to boys. I also couldn’t stop being attracted to several girls in my school. I kept getting flushed whenever I entered the locker room after soccer practice. I couldn’t stop the subtle glances I made at the other attractive girls as we showered. I did an amazing job of hiding my perversion from everyone, but it was getting harder and harder to hide it from myself. I kept everything buried deep. I always participated in the ‘cute boy’ conversations. Unfortunately, the pressure just kept building and building. Eventually, it had to be released.
CATASTROPHY – AND WHEN I HIT ROCK BOTTOM, IT GETS EXPONENTIALLY WORSE:
July 24, 2015. That’s the day where everything fell apart.
Jill was at my house. We were in my room, and she was crying about another boyfriend that had dumped cheated on her, then dumped her. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I think that I knew what would happen, but I could no longer control myself.
“Jill, why do you keep going out with these losers? You deserve so much more. I just can’t stand to watch this continue to happen to you. I love you too much to see you hurt like this.”
“Well, it’s not my fault that all those guys keep cheating on me! I’m not going to start putting out for everyone that takes me to a movie like those other sluts.”
“I’m not saying that!”
“Then what are you saying, Linda?”
“I’m saying that you should find someone who really loves you and would never hurt you. Someone who would do anything to make you happy. Someone who only wants you and would never cheat on you.”
“Well, what do you think I’ve been looking for? You know, I don’t purposely choose guys who end up cheating on me.”
“Open your eyes Jill! It’s right there in front of you! It has been right there for years!”
Silence. She just sat there staring at me for a long time. Finally, “What are you saying, Linda”
“Me, Jill. Me! I’ve been in love with you forever. I am in love with you Jill. I want to be together with you forever. I just can’t stand seeing you with anyone else anymore. I tried to push it aside. I really did. You are my best friend, and I really don’t want to lose you, but I just can’t stop how I feel about you anymore.”
If I saw the look on her face in one of those rom-com movies that we loved watching together, I would have laughed my ass off. It was pure shock. Unfortunately, that look was on the face of the girl I was in love with right after I told her that I was in love with her. I wasn’t laughing. Then her face changed. My devastation began when her face evolved from shock to disgust, then anger.
“So, you are a lezzie? A dirty dyke? How long have you been perving on me, Huh? Have you been copping feels while I was sleeping when I spent the night?”
“No! No, nothing like that. I never toughed you, and I never looked at you like that in the locker room.” I tried to explain.
“Bullshit!” I think that that’s the first time I actually heard her swear. “You’re a dyke! Damnit! I can’t believe that I never saw it before! You disgust me!”
“Please Jill. We’ve been best friends since kindergarten.”
“No, we haven’t. My best friend was a good girl. My friends aren’t lezzies!” She stood up and turned to the door. “We aren’t friends. I want nothing to do with your kind. Stay away from me, and never contact me again.” As she walked out the door.
“No, Jill. No. Please don’t go.” I collapsed on my bed in tears. My world had just been torn apart. I couldn’t imagine anything that could be worse as I sobbed uncontrollably.
“Linda, sweetie? What’s wrong, baby? Why did Jill just storm out of the house?” Mom asked as she came into my room.
“Jill hates me. She doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.”
Mom came in, sat down and pulled me into a hug. “Don’t worry, baby. You tow have been best friends for a long time. I’m sure that this will all blow over in a day or two, and you tow will be back together in no time.”
“No, mommy. I think it’s over. I said something to her that I shouldn’t have.”
“Well, perhaps in a couple of days she will calm down enough for you to apologize. “
“I can’t apologize for this momma. I love her.”
“Of course, you love her baby. She is your best friend.”
“No Mom. I mean I really love her. I told her that, and now she hates me.”
Mom suddenly stopped rocking and stiffened up as she mecidiyeköy escort was holding me. She was completely silent for a couple of minutes.
“What, exactly, do you mean by that, young lady?”
“I mean that I am in love with her. I want to go out with her. I mean that I want to be with her for the rest of my life.” Yeaah, I probably should have seen this coming, but I just couldn’t believe that my family wouldn’t love me and accept who I was. After all, I was the same person as I had been before.
Mom threw me back onto the bed and stood up. She glared at me as she stood with her hands on her hips. “Are you trying to tell me that you THINK that you are a LESBIAN?”
“I don’t think anything Mommy. I tried to deny it. I really tried not to be, but it didn’t work. I can’t help it. I’m just not attracted to boys. I’m attracted to girls.”
“NO! No child of mine will be a homosexual. I will not allow that in my house. We are not heathens. You will not live here with that perversion, and that’s FINAL!”
“NO! My children are not heathens! You do not call me that anymore!”
“Get out! You are 18 now and a legal adult. Your father and I are going out for dinner. Do not be here when we get back.”
“But mom, where would I go?”
“That isn’t my concern. Don’t you gay people have some sort of hedonistic flophouse or something? I don’t care where it is, just go.” And with that, mom turned and left my room.
I ran downstairs to try to talk to dad.
“Daddy, please don’t make me go. I have nowhere to go to.”
“The decision has already been made. You brought this all on yourself when you gave in to your perversion.”
“Please, just let me stay until I can move into the dorms at college. Just let me stay that long. It’s just over a month away. Then I will go.”
“NO. Besides, we aren’t paying for college for a heathen. You want to live as a sinner, you can do it on your own. Don’t expect any help from this family.”
I couldn’t believe it. My own family throwing me out like I was garbage. And now, they were taking away my chance to get an education. I wouldn’t even have a future. I fell to the floor wracked in sobs as they left. After about half an hour, I finally got up and went to my room to try and pack some stuff. I had no idea where I was going to go and not very much money. I packed a couple of suitcases with clothes, makeup, toiletries, and a few personal items. I called my brother to see if he would help me. He was living in another state doing an internship for the summer.
“No can do, sis. Mom already called and told me what you did. You brought this all on yourself. My advice is to pray, repent, and get right. You aren’t going to get any help by being a pervert.”
My own brother.
I tried calling my friends. Jill had called everyone and told them what happened. Now I was no longer Linda. I was ‘Lezzy Linda’ or worse. The nice ones simply hung up on me. Most took the opportunity to express their deep disgust. I tried a couple other relatives. Everyone was disgusted with me. No help from anyone. My entire family had turned their backs on me. Even my friends were gone. I was all alone. I did remember Aunt Gail saying that I could call her if I ever needed anything and briefly thought about it, but then decided not to bother wasting my breath. Everyone knew that she was very devout and pure. I just couldn’t imagine what she would say if she would even answer my call.
With no other option, I put my meager possessions in my car and drove away with no idea where I was going. I just knew that I couldn’t stay in this area. Everyone here hated me. I was a sinner. I was going to Hell for something that I couldn’t stop. Perhaps it was those thoughts that guided me as I drove. Perhaps my subconscious decided that a sinner like me needed to be in Sin City. It really wasn’t a conscious decision, but I suddenly found myself entering Las Vegas.
I thought again about Aunt Gail as I remembered that she lived here. Still, I figured that she would be just the same as the rest of my family. Besides, I didn’t even know where she lived, and I had discovered that my parents had cut off my cellphone. No problem. I was sure that we would never cross paths. She was a workaholic who most likely spent every free minute a church when she wasn’t working.
I ended up sleeping in my car for about a week before I managed to find a very bad, but very cheap room to rent by the month on Fremont Street. It was probably the worst area in the city, and infested with roaches. My neighbors were drug addicts, strippers, and prostitutes. I looked for a job, but being only 18, I couldn’t work at a casino. A couple of the local prostitutes tried to recruit me for their pimp, but I absolutely refused that. Finally, I did find a job as a waitress at a small dive restaurant. The wages were low, and the tips lousy, but at least I could afford to have a room instead of sleeping in my car. It was horrible. No family. No friends. Deplorable living conditions. Dead end job. No money. I literally cried myself to sleep every night. I didn’t think that anything could be worse – until the night I came home from work three months after I had left home to find that someone had broken into my tiny apartment.
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