My Therapist’s Chinese Doll

Disclaimer: The content below has many degrading comments on certain race and sexual orientation, so please don’t read it if you are looking for “political correctness”.

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I still re-lived the night Eunsun left me. I remember her blank stare, followed by a cold grin. She wasn’t the lovely woman I once loved. She said she didn’t love me anymore, and wanted to start a new life.

A new life!

It was like an end to my world.

I thought I was close to the American dream. I married one of our campus queens from Korea, moved to the US with her, got a PhD in computer engineering from Stanford, and was working in one of the better-known high tech companies in a metropolitan city. We were living in a decent two bed condo in a nice city.

A week later, I moved to an one bed apartment. Although I was struggling inside, I was still able to manage my life. Well, that was what I was good at. Concealing my feelings, acting as if nothing had happened in my life, and move on, work hard. I showed up at work, worked harder than before, and got my pay checks. The only issue was my sleep – I just couldn’t sleep well since Eunsun left me.

One day, I logged into my Facebook account, and found Angela Lee as a recommended friend. She looked very attractive, so I couldn’t help but click her name. The profile pic was actually Eunsun. Maybe she made another account? Damn Facebook, I should have just deleted her from my contacts.

Anyways, there she was, still with that charming smile, silky black hair, dressed so neatly and stylish – and that.. legs! I loved Eunsun from her head to toe, but if I had to choose one of her best body parts, it was her legs. She used to photoshoot as a student model in many magazines in South Korea. It’s ironical that Eunsun used to be jealous of my legs.

“I’m sure your legs would be sexier than Gisele Bundchen if you shave.”

She used to make jokes like that to me all the time. I actually did not deny it. I was 5’8″, but many thought I was taller because of my long legs. Not only was it long, but it had a perfect balance of fat and muscle, well, only if I were a female. For an adult man’s legs, it would be considered slim or even too slim with maybe too much fat, but if you think of it as a woman’s leg, it was flawless. Eunsun, who loved miniskirts and short pants to show off her long sexy legs and modeled for many magazines, actually did not like exposing her legs when dating with me because she thought my legs were more feminine and sexier than hers.

Those days.

I smiled to myself. It’s been three months now.

It’s time to move on, Andy.

I told myself. I added her page to my favorite lists and logged in several times a day to see her beautiful pictures. It’s stupid, but I felt like we could start over again, although we were three months apart now, since I’ve come to realize how much I loved her, I assumed she would feel similar. I started preparing for her return. I made my bed with the cover she likes (all pink, girlish), and left her belongings without touching them.

One day after work, I was sipping on my beer in front of my desk top, and clicked on Eunsun’s Facebook page.

As I scrolled down her Facebook page, I was surprised to find a picture of her posing with Dejan.

“What the..?”

I almost spit out my beer when I saw Dejan and Eunsun posing like lovers. Something was wrong here.

Dejan was Eunsun ‘s classmate from Language school. When Eunsun followed me to the US, she had to give up her career as a nurse. Out of boredom, she enrolled in a free language course in a nearby community college. She didn’t like the classes, because many of them were disorganized with unqualified teachers. She also used to complain about her classmates, about how rude and ignorant they were.

“I can’t believe this huge European guy just approached me and started asking me questions in Japanese. HEY! not all Asians are Japanese or Chinese.”

Eunsun texted me one day angrily.

After that, I met Dejan once around this time of the year, at a Christmas party. He was from Croatia, standing 6’1″ with a fit body- he looked like a European football player. Eunsun bitched about Dejan all the time, telling me stories of how ‘culturally insensitive’ and arrogant he is. Even with that preconception, he was worse. He told me stories of him dating and having sex with Korean tourists in Croatia. I wanted to stop him, but he just went on and on.

My hands were almost shaking with anger and fear. I was able to manage to click on the comments section, where I found comments confirming my worst nightmare.

“Cute couple”

“I’m so happy for you guys”

“Dejan Veldic my man, you got it! Your American dream!”

I don’t remember what happened afterwards that night because I blacked out. I woke up and found beer cans lying on the floor. I looked at the clock and it was 11 am. I missed work for the first time in my life.

From that day, my life spiraled down. My insomnia got worse and I couldn’t sleep without drinking. I spent days watching porn and masturbating. I got addicted to porn. Kadıköy Anal Escort My life was crumbling. The weird part was, I was watching porns of White males and Asian females obsessively. I never really was into interracial stuff, so it was a shift.

After seventeen straight days of calling out sick, I got a direct email from my supervisor. It was mentioning discipline among employees. I was fired.

I just couldn’t find my way out. The only time I left my apartment was to get frozen pizza from CVS. I lost seven pounds. I weighed 145 pounds to begin with, so did not have much to lose. On my way back to my apartment, I saw a white man staring at me.

“Therapy saved my life”

It was Michael Phelps. Why did that guy need therapy? I came back, sat in front of my desk top and googled michael phelps and started reading his struggles with depression.

Hey, if a guy like Phelps can be depressed, so can I.

I thought to myself. I needed a way out from this. My apartment was looking like a shit hole and I was dying. The only sanction was my bed. I always kept it pink and cleaned anticipating Eunsun’s return.

First I googled “psychotherapist near me”. There were bunch of people offering therapy. Many of them had fancy webpages, name droppings of prestigious education they received, and explicitly stated that they would not take insurance.

I don’t have insurance anyways. I don’t even have a job anymore.

I thought. I searched again for “asian psychotherapists”.

Although it’s been almost seven years since I moved to this country, I had a hard time dealing with non-Asian people, especially white men. I wasn’t sure why, but it has been that way ever since. I wasn’t sure if I’d feel comfortable with a white therapist.

There were only handful of therapists available. Most of them were Chinese. I couldn’t see the point of having a Chinese therapist just because I look similar to them. One name caught my eye.

“Dr. James Levine, therapist with 30 years of experience and a world renown Asian mental health expert”

I clicked on his name and was surprised to find a white man who looked liked in his 60s staring at me. He described himself as a retired psychiatry professor from an Ivy League school who used to study Asian American mental health with more than 300 publications. He was also into many community outreach work, mostly related to Asian Americans. I immediately clicked a button to make an appointment. The earliest I could make was three months later. I wasn’t sure if I would still be alive with any money left to have therapy, but made an appointment anyways in desperation. It asked me to fill out a survey with questions asking about my age, gender, gender identity, height, weight, and even my waist, chest and hip circumference! I found it awkward, but figured he is a doctor as well, so filled everything out.

However, I wasn’t sure of my chest or hip circumference, so started measuring.

My chest was 37 around my nipple – I have to explain that I have gynecomastia, a condition with abnormal breast development for a man. I started developing breasts since puberty, and had gone to different doctors – urologists, endocrinologists, OB/GYN docs to find out what was wrong. They told me that it was because of hormone imbalance, and I had more estrogen circulating in my body compared to other men which resulted in developing breast tissues underneath my chest. I once thought about having aesthetic surgery to remove the fat, however, never did it because it was disguisable with clothes. It at times even looked like pec muscles, so I thought I would just keep it. However, my girlfriends always found it out when I was naked and either made fun of it or was jealous about it. You see, many Korean girls don’t have any breast tissue at all, so many times my boobs were bigger than theirs.

Now it was time to measure by hip. To my surprise, it was 36 inches. I always squatted a lot to maintain my gluteal muscle, but even before that it tended to be on the larger (and rounder) side for men. I remembered how my friends in high school used to grab my ass when I walked by them, complimenting it for being so feminine. Putting in the number was odd (37-28-36), because I realized how it was like an ‘hour glass figure’. Who cares, I whispered. After that, I started drinking again and blacked out.

In my dream, I think I saw Eunsun and Dejan together. They were flirting in public, kissing each other as I was watching them from above. It looked like a very open space, and once looked like a beach resort. I could feel I was stimulated by watching my ex-wife making love with her new lover. I was touching my penis, and to my surprise I was wearing a black thong which looked like the thong I bought for Eunsun. My dream abruptly ended when my phone started ringing- who could it be? I never got a phone call for at least two weeks now.

“Hello?”

“Hi, is this miss,, sorry Mr. Lee?”

A young female with a Chinese accent was on the other end.

“Yes, this is he, who’s calling please?”

“Hi, I’m Dr. Levine’s client coordinator. Kadıköy Yaşlı Escort I see you made an appointment with him for March. We’re glad to inform you that there was a cancellation today, so Dr. Levine can meet you earlier.”

Wait, what did I do last night? What kind of appointment? Who is this Dr. Levine guy?

“He can see you today at 7 pm.”

Oh, the therapist! Wow that was fast!

“Okay, where are you located?”

I hung up and looked at the clock, it was 4 pm. Google map said it took about 45 minutes to get to Dr. Levine’s office, so I had to be quick. I jumped into the shower. It’s been at least several days since I took a shower, so I tried to wash myself as thoroughly as possible. I’ve noticed my hair grew almost to my chin as I never cut my hair since my break up. I’ve lost a lot of muscle over the past three months, and accumulated maybe some fat although I lost 5 pounds. I looked in the mirror and could see how pale my face was. My skin was known to be on the lighter side for Asians, but the past three months of isolation made me so pale I could see my veins underneath my skin. I also developed dark circles and looked like I put on some kind of purple eye shadow. I started shaving, but I don’t grow facial hair that much and after shaving, my face was clean without any hair at all.

I didn’t want to give an impression that I’m such a loser to my new therapist, so looked for clean clothes, but could not find any. I ended up opening pandora’s box. Eunsun’s closet. When she left me, she took only one small brief case, so many of her belongings were still here. I did not touch them because I didn’t want to be reminded of her and also because I once dreamed of us re-uniting.

Eunsun was tall for a Korean woman, she was about 5’7″. I picked up one of her jeans. Waist said it was 26″ but I gave it a try. It was tight, and I couldn’t buckle the buttons, but I was able to zip it and it fit okay. I was surprised how woman’s jean were so tight on the thighs and calves. It revealed my whole leg like I was wearing yoga pants. I picked up one of her sweaters that looked less feminine. Well, my long hair didn’t really help with my intentions though. When done, I was looking pretty gender neutral. Some might have taken me as a female, some might think I was male, when others would think I’m both? I looked at my phone and it was almost 6 o’clock. I rushed out.

By 6:45 I was entering a fancy residential building. The email said Dr. Levine’s office was room 25K. I approached the doorman, and told him I was here to see Dr. Levine. He didn’t even look at me, and said “there’s an elevator on the right side”. I always get paranoid when people look down on me, ‘is it because I’m a foreigner?’, ‘is it because I’m Asian?’, especially when the other person is white. Well, I was in a rush, so I headed straight to the elevator, leaving my resentment behind.

My heart starting pounding as the elevator ascended. It was my first time encountering a therapist. What should I tell him? What would he think about me if I tell him about my recent struggle? My heart was beating even faster as I walked towards room 25K. Who’s going to be there? Is it going to be the receptionist who called me?

Knock knock.

“Come in.”

I almost felt like fainting as I opened the door. To my surprise, it looked like a normal luxurious condo. There were sofas in the waiting area. There were three doors, two closed tight and one slightly opened.

“Come in!”

The same thick low voice came inside from the open door. I slowly walked towards the room, and saw a big man with gray hair sitting on his desk with his back facing me. He was writing something.

“Please sit. Make yourself comfortable.”

He said without turning his body.

I looked around his room. The room was filled with books related to psychology, the human mind, psychiatry, and Asian mental health. I was sitting on a couch, the most comfortable couch I’ve ever sat on, exploring this library of human mind.

“Sorry for the wait, miss, no Mr. Lee.”

When I turned my head to his voice, I was surprised to find how big my therapist is. He had to be close to 6’5″, well built, very fit for a man in his 60s, gray hair, blue eyes, wearing a tight suit. He had this warm look on his face that showed the gifts he had as a therapist. He was charming, to say the least.

“Hi Dr. Levine,”

My voice was tremulous, intimidated by such a big figure looking down on me. He turned around, walked away and sat on his couch.

“So, miss, no, sorry, Mr. Lee, how old are you? You look so..young.”

“Please call me Andy.”

It took me some time to warm up, but we started our conversation. We started to talk about everything, my immigration to the US, my childhood, my family, everything. As our conversation progressed, I felt more and more comfortable with Dr. Levine, and started talking about my marriage, my divorce, and recent struggles. I couldn’t stop my tears when talking about Eunsun, and was ranting furiously when describing her recent relationship with Dejan.

“You seem very Kadıköy Zenci Escort upset Andy, and it is indeed heartbreaking to find yourself in such position. We’ll talk more in detail, but I’ll give you a metaphor to take home. Do you see that train station outside? Say if you were born there. You lived your whole life in that station, and you were able to gain access to all food from the food court and bought everything from the retail stores inside it, you would think that station is your whole world.

Say if one day you figured your way out, and if you got outside, your view of the world would totally change. You would also need to learn everything all over again. Now it is your moment to learn how to see things and understand the world from a different point of view. Do you get what I mean?”

“I think so, but how is that applicable to me?”

“What I’m saying is that the environment you lived in – Korea, and the paradigm of the Asian society made your character and traits. We can’t say it’s ideal here and we both know it’s causing a lot of problems. What you need now is a paradigm shift. In other words, you have to get out of your comfort zone and find your new world. And in that new world, you will have to find your new life. You following me?”

“I guess so..?”

“Good. Think of today as your first day in life. You are starting a whole new life in the US. How’s that?”

“Good. I’ll try my best Dr. Levine.”

“Perfect. We have to stop now. It’s already been two hours today. I normally meet my patients every week for one hour session. However, considering your current condition and urgency, we should meet more frequently. Let’s start with three times a week. First several sessions will be getting to know you and learning about your background. After that, I’ll come up with a formulation – and then we can decide what kind of treatment modality we will use and how frequently we will meet.”

“Sounds good. Dr. Levine, I have a question about payment. I don’t have insurance now -“

Dr. Levine cut me off for the first time.

“Andy, don’t worry about payment. I’ll offer it for free. You look surprised. I’m sure you’ve seen my hourly rate – it starts at 600 dollars – but I don’t practice for money. I’m intrigued by your story and believe it will be an intellectually stimulating case for me as well. So don’t worry about payment. However, I’ll do it under one condition – you’ll have to trust me in every way and follow all my instructions.”

I nodded enthusiastically. I was so grateful and excited. I lost my job, but had my savings and was willing to pay for a weekly session. But this world renowned expert was offering three hours per week for free!

It’s going to be a new life.

Dr. Levine offered his hand and led me like he was leading a young girl. I felt extremely drowsy after few hours of emotional turmoil, and wasn’t sure where I was being led to. I think we headed to a kitchen area and there Dr. Levine offered me a glass of juice. I didn’t know what kind of juice it was, but it was the best juice I’ve every drank. I don’t remember how I got home, but as soon as I got home, I threw my body to Eunsun’s bed.

I looked as if I lost all control of my limbs. I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or not, but Dr. Levine was smiling at me from above. Then, he undressed all my (or Eunsun’s) clothes. He closely took a look at my whole body. He smiled again and whispered that I’ll be a beautiful young woman. After that, he started dressing me in Eunsun’s pink night gown. After that, he held my legs, and I couldn’t do anything about it. He started dressing me in Eunsun’s pink panties. I was surprised by how soft they were. I felt surprised again by how it made me feel like a girl.

After I wore my panties, my penis started to erect. I knew Dr. Levine caught this, and felt humiliated. I was so embarrassed. He started touching me over the panties. He made me feel like a girl and I loved that feeling. He closely approached me and kissed me gently on my lips. He told me my life is going to change. Just like the girl who was getting out of the train station, I’m walking out my door he said. He put blankets on me and said good night. Then, he left the room. I don’t remember anything after that.

That night, I had many dreams. In many of the dreams I was wearing a skirt, like a cute girl. I was so pretty but at the same time so humiliated that I was dressed like a girl. The worst part was that- by the end of the dream, a young boy kissed me. I liked the kiss, too. I couldn’t see his face, but it looked like Dr. Levine’s face when he was a boy.

I woke up the next morning, to my embarrassment. I was wearing my ex-wife’s panties and night gown. I still didn’t remember how I got home, and who dressed me (was it a dream or no?) but I could remember my vivid dreams. I remembered the sensation of wearing women’s panties and felt humiliated by it. What I also remembered was the feeling of being loved by a boy as a girl. I tried to wash myself out of it. I felt the lace of Eunsun’s gown tickling my chin and looked down. I was wearing a pink Victoria’s Secret night gown. I think I was able to sleep well for the first time in months last night because of the softness of this gown. I wiggled my legs a little bit and the sensation almost made me faint. My penis started to erect again. My penis was only 4″ even when hard, so it was still inside the panties.